This is Tippy.

She’s our kitten.

She has a Facebook you can like if you want:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Tippy/262847260425319

Yup, I’m that crazy cat lady.

But somehow, I’ve become the disciplinary one in the household.

She’s cute but I’m not raising a spoilt demon cat.

Key Tippy Issues:

• Cat chews my laptop. This behaviour is undesirable.
• Cat thinks it’s ok to sit in the kitchen sink and eat food off the bench. It’s not ok.
• Cat, and boyfriend, thinks it’s funny to try and stick her nose in my mouth while I’m sleeping. This is probably unhygienic.
• Cat tries to climb walls by running at them and using her claws. Landlord will not like this..
• Cat waits outside toilets for occupant to come out. Creepy.
• Cat plays in litter box. Also creepy.
• Cat chews any phone that isn’t an iPhone. No creature of mine will be an Apple fanboy.

Cue Super Soaker.

(My lovely colleague @em_gramenz http://emiliegramenz.blogspot.com/ is a good example)

I could now explain my absence: I was overseas, on sabbatical, in a coma, been busy being fantastically successful.

Nope, none of the above.
Blog phase was over, now it has hopefully started again.
I think the issue is that I have trouble committing to inanimate objects.
Examples:

• plants- if it doesn’t rain, they die.
• eczema cream- “Apply daily for 7 days”, 10 months later, still have itchy wrists.
• moisturisers- Does anyone actually apply twice daily?
• blogging- See above
• newspaper subscriptions- I tried but the backlog created a fire hazard
• packed lunches- what if I don’t feel like a mustard sandwich at lunch time?

Or I could just be very lazy.
Anyway, I just remembered the reason I sat down to write this: shameless self-promotion!
I didn’t exactly do nothing on my blogging break, I’ve been published!! For true! Like a proper almost-journalist! Here’s the link!

http://issuu.com/southeastasiabackpacker/docs/issue_15_web

Page 42!

Next step is to get paid…

Dear esteemed potential employer,

Shut up.

 Got your attention, didn’t I?

Now close all your other tabs. Close your Twitter and Facebook. Close YouTube. Stop bidding on that item on Ebay. You’re wasting your time. But more importantly, you’re wasting my time. My valuable time. So cut the crap and pay attention. There are three things to know before we begin, so listen closely:

1. I hate networking.
2. I hate resumes.
3. I hate cover letters.

 You may think it’s ironic that I’m sending you this cover letter. Shut up, smart arse. This is not a lesson on the intricate nuances of the English language and this is also not a cover letter. This is me telling you to give me an interview. And you better dress nice. Give me an interview and I’ll show you just how fucking right for the job I am. No, more than that. Just 15 minutes of my time will give you the opportunity to see that I would be such an incredible asset to your organisation that you will create an EXCLUSIVE NEW POSITION PURELY FOR ME.

 Expectations:

• Multi-media (for all intents and purposes) foreign correspondent based in either India or South East Asia.
• No video. I don’t do video.
• Overarching organisation must be global, large, powerful and diplomatically immune with an unsurpassable legal department.
• Opportunities for often and significant advancement.
• Travel allowances, living expenses and drinking money provided separately to remuneration.
• Positive, nurturing working environment.

 Remuneration

I would like to be handsomely renumerated. None of this Grade 1 journalist, “I’m fresh out of uni and will work for whatever remuneration that can be sucked out of the vending machine by my own chapped and bleeding lips” bullshit. Handsome. Remuneration. Think Bruce Paige’s salary. Six figures. Six even figures, none of which are zero. And they all must be divisible by 4. Apart from those specifications, just however much you think I’m worth.

Working hours

 Now South East Asia correspondent appeals to me, so does India correspondent. The thing about these two places is, however, that they are subject to seasonal, inclement weather. I don’t do wet seasons, I don’t do Mumbai in summer. Those times will be taken as paid leave.

If this letter hasn’t convinced you, you must be some sort of intellectually-deficient, Cretaceous-period pond scum. Pass this on to someone with more cells.

Regards,

(Note the absence of words such as ‘kind’, ‘warm’ and ‘loving’. Be grateful to get even the lowliest ‘regards’.)

Bridget

So a recent domestic spat got me thinking on this topic…

Yep, airing dirty laundry on the internet, always such a good idea.

Opposites attracting is one of those relationship theories that have been around as long as relationships themselves.

I’m sure everyone can think of ‘that couple’, the ones that are so insanely different, explosively fight all the time but have been together forever.

But how different is too different?

(Wow, I’m feeling so Carrie Bradshaw right now!)

The phrase ‘opposites attract’ is irritatingly vague.

What opposites are they referring to?

The religions, the politics, the family values, the future, the personalities?

The topics you don’t talk about around the dinner table seem eerily similar to the ones you don’t talk about in relationships…

And the ‘attract’ part?

Attraction is great but what sort of staying power do opposites have?

Deep stuff. It even prompted me to do a bit of research I have actually done a little bit of research on this topic.

According to my good friend and university assignment aide, Wikipedia, the Myer-Briggs Type Indicator is “the world’s most widely used personality assessment”.

 Basically there are four categories:

• Extraversion/Introversion,
• Sensing/Intuition,
• Thinking/Feeling, and
• Judging/Perceiving.

The test tells you which ones your personality leans towards.

Fun right?

Here’s a free one, go on, you know you want to…

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

For example, I’m an ESTP, almost the polar opposite of the boyfriend.

So after this comforting finding, I engaged my research partner, Google, to find out about compatibility and found this site!

http://tinyurl.com/6mr3or

So, semi-scientifically, do opposites attract?

According to that site, there are types that attract their opposites and types that don’t.

Really conclusive and helpful.

Well, I don’t know about the science, or whatever it is they call that, but my opinion on opposites?

Being with someone exactly the same as you would be boring; I don’t want to date me!

Differences keep things interesting and besides… there’s no heat without friction…

: o )

In my latest attempt to ‘grow up’ and ‘get a real job’, I’ve been trying to fill out a lot of job applications…

The operative work is  ‘trying’, turns out Wife Swap and job applications do not form a constructive relationship.

Anyway, some of the questions on these things make me really wish I had the time and/or inclination to fill out and submit fake ones.

Being paid for doing that would be good too…

Somehow I don’t think this is what they mean when they say ‘career pathways’…

Trainee Journalist Application

Due: Way sooner than you want it to be.

Name: Doctor Bridget PhD

Highest level of study (eg: VCE, Bachelor Journalism)

Super-doctorate of Journalism/Blogging/Media Mogulling

Please attempt every question and keep your answers brief.

This application is designed to get you thinking and help us get a sense of your thinking about journalism and the
media.

 k. 

Section One: Thinking about journalism 

1)      What qualities do you think a person needs to be a successful journalist?

Remembering coffee orders and holding your liquor. 

2)      What media do you consume and how often?

Consume? Like eat? Gross. Oh, the other consume. Right. Well, we always have newspapers at home but they’re pretty old. I watch TV. Today Tonight and A Current Affair are my faves, usually skip the news, bit dry. Masterchef’s going to take up a lot of my time now though.. Oh and my Facebook news feed and my Twitter one, that’s news. 

3)      What role does video have in modern newspapers?

Unless modern newspapers can be folded into a VCR player and plugged into a TV and a power point, there’s not much point buying a video for it. 

4)      What type of stories interest you – eg: crime, sport, celebrity, politics, local stories? Explain why.

I like stories with lots of pictures, like those photo galleries online… Oh. Awkies, you’re a newspaper…

5)      If you were given a traineeship, where would you see yourself in three years? And where in six years?

IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME A TRAINEESHIP, I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL JUMP.

7)      Why did you want to be a journalist?

Man, good question. I guess that’s why you’re the journalist. And this is like an interview, right?

8)      Which person, alive or dead, would you most like to interview and why? What would be the one question you would want to ask them?

Ke$ha. I want to ask her about the dollar sign in her name. Is it, like, on her birth certificate or did she just change it when she made heaps of money? I give the people what they want to know.

9)      Name two skills that you possess that are important in the workplace but might not be journalist specific. (eg: punctuality, handle stress well, get on with people.)

Pretty sure, I answered this already. Let’s keep this focussed, ok?

10)   What are your options if you are unsuccessful at obtaining a traineeship?

Please refer to Question 5.

 Section Two – Journalists’ writing 

Rewrite the following statements. 

1)      When the dog was discovered trapped in a drain, there were approximately 20 people who had spent the night looking for it throughout Northend.

Not much to do in Northend, huh?

3)      “He’s going to be a beauty this young bloke,’’ Fred Nevis, the Lomond coach reckons. “Oh yeah, he breathes football through both nostrils.’’

By football he means coke right?

4)      The real estate agent confessed that the true facts of the transaction showed that the property had been purchased well-below the asking price and the vendors were consulting their lawyers about the possibility of extracting financial compensation.

Shit…

Section Three –
Journalists’ issues. You be the journalist.

k.

1)      What would you say to an interview subject who refused to have her picture taken and told you to instead use the image on her Facebook page?

Find the drunken photos of her on her ex-boyfriend’s page. LOLZ at no privacy settings!

2)      You read a notorious criminal’s Tweet where he calls the Chief Commissioner of Police a “corrupt and lying fool’’. What do you do?

Retweet?

3)      What is the risk in publishing details of a robbery at a service station before the perpetrators have been caught and charged?

Those bastards would come after me next. 

Section Four – The Newsroom

1)      It’s your first day at a rural newspaper. You don’t live in the area and don’t know the paper. How do you start to make contacts and develop story ideas in the first two weeks?

Go drinking. I hear people in small towns live in the pub, right?

2)      What does a chief of staff do?

The boss.

3)      What are “rounds’’?

When one member of staff buys a beer for every other member of staff present at the drinking session, this is known as a ‘round’. Common
courtesy dictates that each drinker present buys a ‘round’ usually resulting in multiple ‘rounds’.

4)      Whatever position you hold in the newsroom, what is your first task?

Bend over.

Looks like fun, right?

We know it’s going to rain, the roads will be chaos and the campgrounds will be packed, yet we still do it.

What is this obsession with ‘getting back to basics’ and embracing our inner Neanderthal albeit with expensive tents and gas cookers?

Having only been camping a few times prior to this Easter, I was a little apprehensive about the whole thing.

The first time I went ‘camping’, it rained and I was stuck in a camper trailer with my family for four days.

The second time, I walked across hot coals because I didn’t think they’d still be hot from the night before.

They were.

That was a long time ago though, so I gave it another chance.

Plus this time there were the added incentives of no family, being old enough to drink and an excellent music festival to attend for three days.

So here are some of the things I learnt I don’t like about camping:

• Everything is on the ground and therefore can be tripped over.
• Tripping over everything.
• Rain.
• Dew.
• Getting changed in a tiny tent while standing on an air mattress, then falling over and briefly being stuck between the tent and the mattress.
• Stealthily being stuck between a tent and a mattress because there are people cooking just outside said tent.
• Black tent ropes.
• How difficult everything is. For example: To make morning coffee:

1. Find gas stove
2. Figure out how to insert gas
3. Figure out if can has gas in it
4. Figure out how to light stove
5. Find lighter
6. Find water to fill kettle “OH WAIT. WE HAVE NO KETTLE.”
7. Drive to Brunswick Heads Antiques and purchase kettle
8. Repeat steps 1-8
9. Wait for kettle to boil
10. Find coffee
11. Find cups that aren’t full of old vodka/damp grass
12. Find milk
13. Move lit gas stove off esky to access milk
14. REALISE IT’S NOW DINNER TIME AND YOU NO LONGER WANT COFFEE.
    

    Damn kettle....

 Maybe I need more practice…

It’s time to move on.

I’ve been back for two weeks and six days.

 The backpack has been put away, the last load of washing is drying (as I type now actually…) and there are no signs of any further travel in the foreseeable future.

 Just work..

 Sigh.

So to celebrate (commiserate) here’s the last of the notebook posts.

Even memory lane has to come to an end sometime.

Sigh.

India had been on my list ever since a friend visited a few years and shared some crazy stories.

Nonetheless, pre-departure, I found myself reluctant to shoulder the backpack and head to the airport.

It felt like I’d barely been home.

 Which was true, ten days isn’t even enough time for the novelty of routine to wear off.

Don’t get me wrong, there are aspects of coming home that really suck (see the next 47 complaint-posts) but there are some things that feel right and as comfortable as an old pair of trackies.

That’s kind of what it comes down to, not trackies unfortunately, but comfort.

Travelling is such a departure from our normal, safe comfort zone.

 Everyone talks about using travel to ‘get out of a rut’ or ‘finding something new’ and I agree completely.

But I think it’s also about finding the comfort in the uncomfortable.

Places that were once just specks on an atlas or exotic-sounding fantasies, places like Saigon or Shanghai or Kassel and now even Mumbai or Varanasi, somehow turn into places you never want to leave.

Places that once seemed alien and daunting become homes away from home.

 Yeah, at first, travel is about getting out of your comfort zone but as you go further, I think, it’s more about expanding your comfort zone.

The world is your rut, so to speak!

Well, that doesn’t sound as good as I wanted it to…

ummm...

Varanasi. The holy city on the river of death.

It’s almost kind of fitting that this city of a million ends signals the end of our trip.. Almost kind of fitting.. Maybe..

Our road to Varanasi was paved with temples, trains and the Taj but it was the place we were looking forward to the most.

At first, it’s another insane Indian city.

Rickshaws driving on top of each other, cows pondering the chaos, vendors yelling and the constant, ear-splitting sound of a million horns.

Finding the real Varanasi saw us ejected from our rickshaw with our bags and making our way into the labyrinth of tiny streets.

Navigating the narrow, excrement-splattered ally ways, ignoring the calls of ‘Where you from?’ and ‘Namaste!’  until we eventually stumbled out onto the ghats overlooking the river Ganges.

It’s a place where life and death coexist in a colourful mess of noise, mess, religion, touts, boats, goats, bathing, swimming, burning and the omnipresent cows.

So we played tourist.

Up at 5 for a dawn boat ride down the Ganges.

Along with a thousand other camera-wielding tourists, we piled into a boat and got rowed down the river.

The sunrise was absolutely spectacular but the ghats stole the show easily.

Even at that ungodly hour, they were alive and bustling with morning prayers and mourning prayers, bathers, washers, swimmers and absolutely everyone.

Then we were taken up to the burning ghat.

As we pulled in a fire was taking its last breaths, surrounded by priests and mourners all dressed in white.

A teenager with a shaved head stepped towards the ashes, picked up a charred piece and flung it towards us, into the river.

Turns out it was his father’s collarbone.

This truly is the most amazing place.

By recently I mean the last month or so…

So forgive the sudden barrage of posts; these are the Indian notebook posts, as transcribed from my disgusting, torn, abused, lassi-stained notebook!